Much Too Much

Yeah...for all of the blather, not much to back it up.

But. A funny thing happened on the way to a blog post...

A co-worker - and one with whom I'm not particularly close, not to mention a person who's a little bit...well, eccentric, to put it mildly - said to me: "Have you ever thought about writing?" And here's the weird part (Okay, here's the weirder part, because the whole thing was not-quite-right): I felt...stripped, in a way. Like, embarrassed. Because for this particular person - someone, mind you, with whom I've had very little interaction, to ask such a question? Yeah, well, it almost felt like I was parading around the office, wearing a sandwich board that said: "Thinking of writing a memoir. Your comments, please - but only if they're positive". So, anyway. I answered as truthfully as I could, all things considered - and by "all things", I mean that this exchange was taking place between me and someone who could very well know my whole sordid mess of a story (oddly, she once came to a Halloween party at my then-house; the "home" in which I lived with my then-husband, a Halloween party to whom we both invited our co-workers. She came as the guest of someone that we...well...that we never really expected to come. And, surprisingly, about 10 years after this particular event, we became co-workers - and she remembered me and the party. Considering this, yeah...she could know)...but I've come to assume that of everyone. Better safe than sorry, right? And, it wouldn't surprise me if I learned that she thought, 'who better to write a memoir than someone who has a fucked-up mess of a story that, if it's good for anything'...well, it's like a train wreck. You know people want to watch; so why not charge them for the "privilege"? And, if I'm going to be truthful here -and, hell: Who better to be truthful to than a bunch of strangers? Okay...if I'm going to be truthful here, I harbor far too much resentment for the consequences I've suffered. Oh, I'd love to take the moral high road - that traveled by the most altruistic of altruists - and say something like, "If my story helps even one person, then it was all worth it." Bullshit, and double bullshit. Anyone who says that is choking on the bullshit, make no mistake. THERE IS NOTHING THAT MAKES IT "WORTH IT." But, yeah...publishing a memoir would go a long way toward, well...taking the edge off. So, back to the conversation: She said that she sometimes gets these "feelings". And that talking with me - and mind you, the conversation that we were having was a very innocuous one - made her feel that I should write. And, further-she said this-when she gets these feelings, they're very often right, and she felt, well...compelled to share this with me.

I was - no joke - quite touched by this. I don't think I do the greatest impression of a satisfied-with-where-I-am person, most especially professionally. And, look: She could be totally full of it - maybe even full of herself. But when something like this comes at you in a bolt-from-the-blue fashion, I don't know...even the cynics among us - and, oh, how I count myself among their numbers - would be tempted to sit up and take notice.

So I am asking you guys...you all, who humbled me with your feedback regarding my "first chapter" (and there was one comment that touched me so deeply, a comment about how many people use the Internet to puff themselves up...to make themselves look better...and how I have chosen to utilize this forum to do pretty much the polar opposite of that; that made me feel, well...on the right path, for lack of anything better to say): If anyone is still reading what I am writing: Should I stay or should I go?*



*Disclaimer: This isn't a solicitation of praise. This is a genuine appeal for HONEST FEEDBACK. I'm looking at you, Booksteve. Considering your business...could you point me in an online publishing direction? I'm at the jumping-off place and I'm gonna jump or hang up the parachute.

Streaming Consciousness

First of all...I'm not even really sure that I'm back. I keep abandoning this blog. I do want to make some sort of concerted effort to get back to it...I think, in fact, that I NEED this; and I'll get to that. But, recently - and I'm not a huge follower of blogs, not on a regular basis, anyway - I responded to a request made by another blogger: She asked that people send to her posts from their blogs. She's essentially an atheist blogger, but...well, she's hard to characterize. But I felt some...I don't know, connection with her; like me, she's an atheist (and maybe I'm not even quite that; more of a questioner) looking for a religion. How many of those are there? So, I sent her THE POST; the one that's about the fateful day that changed my life; the 2 minutes that reverberate still. I've not really followed up on what - if, indeed, anything - that she did with the post (she was going, I think, to re-post those that "touched" her on her own blog). But I thought that I could perhaps use that as an ass-kick to get back to my own blog. And, truthfully, I've been somewhat intimidated by what I see out there on the Internet; I mean, some truly beautiful and thought-provoking blogs! How the hell do I fare amongst all of that? But then...I got even more frustrated with myself. Why should I allow that to daunt me? This thinking is akin to the way I used to feel about my husband: Me, married to a man with these intimidating degrees! An undergrad in engineering from one of the country's preeminent engineering institutions! And an MBA! But then I would think: Why NOT? I mean...why take vicarious validation from someone when I'm perfectly capable in my own right? So...I'm going to accept my own challenge and, instead of being daunted and feeling intimidated, well...I'm going to try daunting for a change.

One other thing, another motivator: Someone very special to me. This is a person with whom I am no longer in frequent contact, but who was so unreservedly a proponent of mine in many ways. She was one of the first people to whom I showed THAT POST...back before it was a blog post, when it was the "first chapter" of a someday-I-hope-to-write-a-memoir. She recently characterized herself as a "secret admirer" of this blog...and while I'll not be so self-involved as to say "this is for you", to HER, I will say, unequivocally, that her support and encouragement are so precious to me that they serve as inspiration and encouragement.