Monday, December 14, 2009

I'm Overcome...

And I seriously am. First of all, thanks to Lemmy...who, I should disclose, is a real-world friend and not a virtual one. And thank you so much to everyone who commented...I appreciate the kind words of encouragement.

Well, I sort of owe this post to Lemmy, too...because he mentioned that it would make a worthy post, and probably some good commentary.

First, I should say that I am an orphan, have been one for some time - and this is notwithstanding the fact that I am squarely into middle-age. When my dad died, almost 15 years ago (my mother, at that point, had been dead for 9.5 years) I was 28, and I said something to someone about feeling like an orphan. This person - who STILL has two parents - said, "Oh, you're too old for that." HAH. I say, when your parents die, you're mentally 6 again, no kidding. I also am divorced, mentioned that earlier...and do not have custody of the kids. I often tell people that I don't have the kids because I'm a student and a full-time employee...although these things are true, it's NOT why I don't have the kids. I don't have them because of a spectacular fall from grace, during my minor-sometimes-major career as a drug addict. That predicated the divorce. And the custody arrangement. My ex and I have a decent relationship though, but not having the kids sucks, and hurts. I'm close with them and all that, but still feel like a failure. the point, I guess.

My mom died when I was 18; alcoholic cirrhosis, if anyone cares, and more proof that my family has a horrible history of addiction (she's one of many, many others). HER mom, however, lived a lot longer, although she was not mentally attending due to senile dementia. But: In her prime, my grandmother was a TRIP. And, several days ago, I was commenting about something to Lemmy, and that's what this was SUPPOSED to be about (I'm a digresser, notice that?). Okay, mother's family was Irish and German...and they had the weirdest sayings. One of them...when they didn't like something, like some restaurant's food, was: "I wouldn't hit a dog in the ass with that." My sister and I find ourselves saying these things, perfectly seriously, and cracking up about them. Who says this stuff? And...what, if the food was good, you WOULD hit a dog in the ass with it? This is what I meant, in that first post, when I said "mental meanderings."

Thanks, again, for the WONDERFUL comments...and, please, tell me if your families had such crazinesses. Honestly, sister and I laugh, and then, we cry. A lot. Our parents have been gone such a long time, and missed so much of our lives, and yet we still miss them - every day. And for my two kids...I try, as best I can, to keep them alive. They'll never know them, and oh, just wait: I've got some mother-in-law posts coming up...terrifying stuff, and I'm NOT kidding about that.

Damn. I never know how to end these things.


a rose is a rose said...

first off, just wanted to let you know i read the new postings and i AM mesmerized. i can't wait for more more more

second off, i do not know one person who doesn't come from a dysfunctional family. even ozzie and harriet and ward and june had their foibles. one NEVER knows what goes on behind closed doors.

third off, we have to be who we are (well, we have no choice do we?). we make mistakes. sometimes they're big ones too. we always have to OWN our mistakes though. that is what turns them around. it appears you have no trouble doing that.

it's late and i have to get going now (i work odd hours) but i think i may have more to say

Eponymous said...

To a rose is a rose...
Thank you so much. It's feedback like yours that is helping me to believe that this was the right thing to do. I know, of course, that jumping on Lemmy's coattails spurred me ahead faster than most, but I hope to return the favor. Also, thank you so much about your comment about ownership. I mentioned my mother-in-law...and that's the HUGE problem I have with her. Oh, I have some posts cookin' about THAT fact, I could post for days about her. But taking ownership is one of the few things, throughout all of this, that I feel I have done well. I don't buy into ALL of what AA/NA and the like have to sell; however, the crux of those programs parallels the core of a lot of mainstream psychotherapy, and ownership of one's actions is HUGE. So thanks, again, for recognizing and remarking!