Monday, October 11, 2010

Much Too Much

Yeah...for all of the blather, not much to back it up.

But. A funny thing happened on the way to a blog post...

A co-worker - and one with whom I'm not particularly close, not to mention a person who's a little bit...well, eccentric, to put it mildly - said to me: "Have you ever thought about writing?" And here's the weird part (Okay, here's the weirder part, because the whole thing was not-quite-right): I felt...stripped, in a way. Like, embarrassed. Because for this particular person - someone, mind you, with whom I've had very little interaction, to ask such a question? Yeah, well, it almost felt like I was parading around the office, wearing a sandwich board that said: "Thinking of writing a memoir. Your comments, please - but only if they're positive". So, anyway. I answered as truthfully as I could, all things considered - and by "all things", I mean that this exchange was taking place between me and someone who could very well know my whole sordid mess of a story (oddly, she once came to a Halloween party at my then-house; the "home" in which I lived with my then-husband, a Halloween party to whom we both invited our co-workers. She came as the guest of someone that we...well...that we never really expected to come. And, surprisingly, about 10 years after this particular event, we became co-workers - and she remembered me and the party. Considering this, yeah...she could know)...but I've come to assume that of everyone. Better safe than sorry, right? And, it wouldn't surprise me if I learned that she thought, 'who better to write a memoir than someone who has a fucked-up mess of a story that, if it's good for anything'...well, it's like a train wreck. You know people want to watch; so why not charge them for the "privilege"? And, if I'm going to be truthful here -and, hell: Who better to be truthful to than a bunch of strangers? Okay...if I'm going to be truthful here, I harbor far too much resentment for the consequences I've suffered. Oh, I'd love to take the moral high road - that traveled by the most altruistic of altruists - and say something like, "If my story helps even one person, then it was all worth it." Bullshit, and double bullshit. Anyone who says that is choking on the bullshit, make no mistake. THERE IS NOTHING THAT MAKES IT "WORTH IT." But, yeah...publishing a memoir would go a long way toward, well...taking the edge off. So, back to the conversation: She said that she sometimes gets these "feelings". And that talking with me - and mind you, the conversation that we were having was a very innocuous one - made her feel that I should write. And, further-she said this-when she gets these feelings, they're very often right, and she felt, well...compelled to share this with me.

I was - no joke - quite touched by this. I don't think I do the greatest impression of a satisfied-with-where-I-am person, most especially professionally. And, look: She could be totally full of it - maybe even full of herself. But when something like this comes at you in a bolt-from-the-blue fashion, I don't know...even the cynics among us - and, oh, how I count myself among their numbers - would be tempted to sit up and take notice.

So I am asking you all, who humbled me with your feedback regarding my "first chapter" (and there was one comment that touched me so deeply, a comment about how many people use the Internet to puff themselves make themselves look better...and how I have chosen to utilize this forum to do pretty much the polar opposite of that; that made me feel, well...on the right path, for lack of anything better to say): If anyone is still reading what I am writing: Should I stay or should I go?*

*Disclaimer: This isn't a solicitation of praise. This is a genuine appeal for HONEST FEEDBACK. I'm looking at you, Booksteve. Considering your business...could you point me in an online publishing direction? I'm at the jumping-off place and I'm gonna jump or hang up the parachute.

1 comment:

giggles said...

Write. (I am not sure you want to write everything (read: memoir) here) but I really like your style and what you write. (I am thinking there are some publishing rules like, writing stuff on a blog precludes publication of such material in paper form...but I could be wrong.... Or if written on blogger, it always belongs to blogger. Have you ever read the fine print???!!!)

And while you see very few comments, my bet is people are reading, just not commenting. (That's true of me anyway....) (I also think FB and twitter are usurping the bloggy world...)

What little you've written of your story is compelling. I want to know more. All that led you ...all that has happened since....your "healing" even though it may not feel like "healing...." I love reading memoir. I think there are fewer memoirs by women, and you've got a more unique angle.... A cautionary tale....

I encourage you to write...but maybe not here...until you've sold your concept to a rep or a publisher. (Full and fair disclosure: I know NOTHING of the publishing world. Nothing.)

Good luck. I hope life is treating you well. Peace.